Doctor: “Let’s just say he’s slipped into something a little more comfortable…a medically induced coma, he’s kinda 50/50.”

Sitting in the window seat of a Chipotle is never a good idea. Eye contact is not meant to be made whilst eating a burrito. Take my advice and face a wall.

Today I photobombed a portrait being painted of a tourist in the park. It took 6 hours but it was totally worth it.

In the 6th grade I told my gym teacher to “let somebody love him before it’s too late.” The last girl I dated said the very same thing to me. Looking back that was a bit harsh, Mr. Lowe. Hope we’re cool and your side hobby of Tae Kwan Do is going awesome! - Harry

Some call me a master of pord wlay

You know that moment when you realize that pieces of Broccoli actually look like miniature trees? Yea…my advice is to keep it to yourself - It’s a harsh world out there and some joys are better enjoyed in private.

I wonder if there’s a prisoner somewhere named Dom who everyone calls ConDom…you would think, right? Then again I don’t think wordplay and prison sentences go hand in hand.

Oy Hibbert

“Hey look on the bright side: At least you’re still Quasi-modo - things would be way worse if you were Full-on-modo, believe me.” SILENCE “uhhum ok lets go ahead and look at that hump of yours” - Inappropriate joke from the Hunchback of Notre Dame’s plastic surgeon

Wanna know what happened to the last doctor who told me I had acute angina?